Hi, I'm jazz and I'm an alcoholic

Detox is a painful way to cleanse and put right what has gone wrong through incorrect habits and indulgence. It is an embarrassing admission that we allowed something to go bad and now have become aware to perhaps half hearted attempt to put right. For me it was drinking to excess and drunkenness and addiction to drugs. I don’t mean all illegal ones, but also pep pills, anti depressants, pain relief and throat medicines. Any fault I felt I saw within then I would indulge on what I thought may cure it but to excess.
I have smoked a cigarette maybe three times in my life and fail to see its allure or addictive qualities when it smells bad and is proven harmful. Yet I am blind to my own addictions. Yes I can admit them on talking with a friend and I can admit them to myself, yet I don’t seem to possess the will to halt such desires. A detox weekend becomes a token as the next weekend I am drinking again. I enjoy being with my friends and we all do together drink.
In my writings I often allude. I often try to use widely known references although perhaps the way I refer to it is not so open. As a small girl I loved to read and as a teen I think I re-read some of my child books only to discover that each story had new meanings. I was aware that no longer were the stories I thought I knew so simple and shallow but had depth or a second layer. As an adult I know now there are still more layers and depths. Still, I remain just ordinary and only playfully allude. Perhaps you do see more than I believe some can.

My career track was a series of small unsuccessful attempts of my own until by way of chance or design I met a genius who was in the business. It was he that opened the doors for me. As he guided me my success was almost guaranteed since everyone admired him so much. Perhaps that’s where I was blinded in the first instance and the mistake was aggravated by mixing business and pleasure and before I knew anything more I was living with him. It was not living in his shadow but being pushed forwards into the light. Unnerving but it is what I craved or thought I did.
I resent so much about that affair now and how I was treated but I am glad I experienced it because I leaned so much about life and about myself. I had become a paradox in acting out a part that really wasn’t me. I had been moulded like some clay into whatever shape they had desired and as I looked inside I could feel shame that my own essence seemed lost.
After a very terrible break up, I ran away from everything .You cannot know how desperately unhappy I was or the shame I felt I had brought.
It took a time to overcome that and I didn’t do it alone. This was a time I re-evaluated people and myself. I travelled to foreign places and the distance felt good.
When I came home I found people who were willing to gamble on me and life once more had meaning. Not everyone thought of my achievements as successful and I received some awful criticism for many things, but the people who look at company profits were always happy with my contribution and they are perhaps the men with loudest voices when policy is discussed.
In the last three years I became involved in projects I had never dreamed I would indulge in or enjoy but I did and people noticed and acknowledged me and some of those people were the ones who at first wouldn’t believe in me. I had proved something to them about adaptability and personal determination and even parts of my own self doubts evaporated.
To climb a mountain is an achievement. To stand at its peak is breathtaking. But you can’t stay there forever because there are other mountains to climb and so you should climb down. I unfortunately lost my footing and fell down, landing unceremoniously with my dress torn open and a bottle in my hand.
I could not offer consistency and I failed at maintaining continuous16 hour days without proper rest. It’s my fault entirely. I drank to hide my tears and took the pills to try to maintain abilities. I could not meet appointments and I let everyone down. Perhaps being assisted home by the police didn’t help sway the decisions of the people holding my contract in their hands when they called me to the office.
I can laugh in some respects and cry in others but that will not change anything. What happened has happened and past and is unchangeable. All I can do is learn from it and armed with such experience, I can ensure that I am not guilty again of the same mistakes. One week after the start of my new job and I feel fine!
Now it's the weekend and I can have just a few drinks.