Housebound

I am housebound!
My visiting nurse says I am overdoing things!

How? I am doing nothing. I hired a help to come clean my apartment.
My brother makes all my meals. I do not leave here.
My medication keeps making me sleep at all times of day. So come the night and darkness enshrouds me I don't sleep full and long.
Perhaps I’ll stop taking them.

I was surprised by a visitor today--she detests my friend Ayu and I thought she detested me too but she came to visit and I invited her in. Sometimes to my shame I feel I am so wrong about people. She was so nice to me and bring for me wonderful gift. I made us tea and we chatted about so much. I feel I have not only not lost touch with the things she mentioned but also seen a side of what's happening in my world from new eyes and a new perspective.
N.... still has contact with my ex and she mentioned him once or twice, I felt sure she was poking needles, but it could have been innocent, so I let it pass and kept my words as neutral as I could about that topic.

So what am I thinking now? I think that sometimes we pull the blinds over windows without caring to know the view. Politics is an awful business to be in and personal politics of what we all experience is the same. We can miss so much and all because of one silly thought.
I don't like you, because you don't like my best friend---I am showing loyalty to my friend, yet I am not the one for any reason they not friends!
So now when Ayu calls, and Ayu decides to moan about N..... What am I to say?
N.... in my new experience is just like us!
She has the same fears, same hopes and desires.
Perhaps the fire will only burn cold?

Ayu will say “she has turned your mind.”
Oh such petty jealousies, and for what? A place on a pedestal!
Why can't we all just be friends...they have both so much and if jealousies were anything to be desired, then I should be jealous of both of them or is that envious?
Sometimes I feel like I am a stranger to that world and to any other that I may care to tread

She left after two hours with me and I felt lonely again but Kushisa (my cat) is so loving and that special man called from work to say he will come tomorrow. I miss him too now

Then I suddenly go all paranoid (what's new?) and I am thinking desperately of my conversation with N......, did I say anything which could find its way into other avenues of communication?
This world that I live in can be so damn petty! Or is it me? Have I lost it? Did I ever have it?
I keep hearing words across my mind as if they were spoken aloud as if some actress narrates her monologue about me on stage in some historic sense.
"She's neurotic!"
"She is a crazy ‘gurl’!"
"No talent, no ability, no good hanger on!"

I read some special letters to me in vain attempt to comfort myself
Then I cried
The truth is....I am not much of anything really, all my life is total farce!
I have been used and I have been guilty of using others in unworthy attempts to get somewhere.
But where is that somewhere?
Is it in the hearts of others?
Is my name so important that I have sacrificed so many other things to make it shine?
It may have been up in lights but they really burn so cold ...and where am I today?

A single nova in the cosmos shines brighter than any galaxy, yet it burns so rapid and then fades to nothing.
Don't you know that life is hell?
The sacrifice, the frustration and all my pain laid bear, is that all I have to show?
And then I have to consider what of tomorrow?

Can I be a mother, can I have respect for just that?
Can my man love a foolish girl who never grew up? One who never knew how to reign in her emotions?
Why would he marry a faded Nova?

An emptiness in space
that's all that remains
oh damn you entropy, damn you and damn me too!