Judgment on the now

Like the soft and gentle dance of sea-grass wafting in tropical warm currents and like the swaying mambo tentacles of several hundred squid swimming in silver oceans, the interwoven twisting and turnings of fate have us rising and falling and following the myriad twists and turns of what we often refer to as destiny. I am missing several curves as I perhaps have reached the end of one particular high and now plummet along more convoluted paths. Cute curves, feminine curves and dangerous curves have arced around my line and fallen out of sight. The twists and turns are more than directions though, they must be physical because I feel them impale my heart as they penetrate and skewer me. Our love lies bleeding, into crimson pools of pain and the flowers start to wilt and hide their faces in shame. I'm definitely lost in some dimension which has a constant twilight on my horizon and one that has removed the warm sun from these God-forsaken barren plains. Three dimensions only yet so many ways to go. How did I get here?
One wonders how much depth lies in the shallows!

Space has expanded dreadfully so and the cold foreboding universe is filled with dead and dying stars that bear us no seasons. Thanatos and Izanami-no-Mikoto mourns the dawning of entropy.
It takes years to build up something together and enjoy how it grows around us, basking in the sunlight and reaching up to heaven but sadly it takes a mere day to dissolve it. The forest becomes desert. My home suddenly has more space and it is very tidy now the unruly influence has gone. Nothing is there to disturb its order. Nothing breaks the silence. Then the sound of the coffee maker is amplified across the distance.
I have spent my time cleaning. I cleaned everything, each pan and wok and plate and cup. I washed drapes and bedding. I washed the floors and pulled the kitchen apart in order to get into every space. Then I ironed everything in my wardrobe. I don't know why I did it but the bleating sheep do not have much trouble as they pull out the books on basic psychoanalysis. I can tell them that no matter their conclusions of how, why and what, the cause has gone and I am left with the effect. The pain and the longing are a thousand ruthless needles pushed in deep and they instil the sense of lost addiction and another cold turkey runs across my floor.
Are we lost?

My routines have changed and for a while, for a moment, for a need in me to see people even though I would wish they don't see me, I have taken to buying a newspaper and sitting in Starbucks with a sandwich, a cake and nursing a couple of cups and browsing the times.
Perhaps I can measure my life with tea spoons?
I am reminded of a passage in 'The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock' by T.S.Elliot;

I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?

Perhaps as it ends...

Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
I do not think that they will sing to me.
I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

Prufrock is no Prince Hamlet as Mr Elliott says and I am no Ophelia, yet were it I could I be Miranda of the tempest?
Perhaps I became cast adrift.
I hear the close conversations of those nearby and they do not talk of Michelangelo. Instead they talk of the weather and of their friends and who said what to whom. They talk of television and what's in the news and two boys opposite share their intimate knowledge of the female psyche and for a moment I am amused by their astounding insight. Science becomes 'trade' for such young minds and the noble ignorance of the shabby curate who has mistakenly strayed into a drawing room full of Dukes should be conversations between Emilia and Desdemona. They pause and munch more grass so the wool will be thicker for winter and we know the insulation is needed.

How did I get here? Again I ask myself.
I can blame the General!
In wanting to escape the collapsing puppet state across the sea, the General ordered a young bomber pilot to fly him and his staff back to Japan. The pilot saluted and did as he was ordered. Once down on some unnamed airfield close to the capital the pilot was officially transferred into the internal logistics air division and from there he saw the war end. Through contacts made there and in loving the freedom he felt above the clouds he flew medical missions for the Americans. One day he met a young nurse in the air corps hospital whom he fell in love with and soon they married and very soon after that a daughter was born to them both. She was quickly followed by a second daughter.
The second daughter was named Sumomo.
One evening when a considerably older Sumomo was late home from college, she ran from the doorway into the street and knocked over a man. Her books fell everywhere and she cried her apology. The man stood up and brushed himself down and looked at her. He was not upset with her at all but helped her to pick up her papers and belongings. In explaining her lateness and consequent rush, the man offered to drive her home. She declined but the man met her again because he knew the college where she attended. He was infatuated with her and wooed her and they too were eventually married.
Two fine sons were born to them before a daughter arrived and she was followed by one more son.
That daughter was named Tomomi.
From the building blocks in the universe at a single instance of time, sentience happened within a few organic compounds. I am alive!
One single sperm from millions met one single ovum at one moment in time.
That's how I came to be on this world at this time. When looking at the chances it is incalculable that I am actually here and that so are you. Here we all are at this particular moment in time. Billions have died before our time and billions are as yet unborn. Countless trillions never were born or ever will be. The book of fates from the adjustment bureau shows my path to be a haphazard one but I want to turn the page.
What will tomorrow bring?
I could travel back beyond the General to a surviving warrior from the battle of Sekigahara in 1600 or even further back in time. I bow my head and give thanks to my ancestors and I hope that I too may find the strength and courage that they once found during their dark days.

Finally;-
I would like to thank four of you who e-mailed me supportive messages. Thank you very much for that and each message meant quite a lot to me. Thank you so very much.

And I'd also like to say congratulations to Japans Ladies soccer team. They battled against tremendous odds in the Ladies soccer world cup, held in Germany, against the best teams in the world. Japan lifted the trophy with great pride and great applause to some wonderful sporting opponents.
Well done everyone.