Do I care?

Perhaps we all care about a great many things in our lives, little things and great things, meaningful and meaningless but perhaps sentimental things. These objects of art and objects of desire and above all of these things, the people that fill our lives from casual acquaintance to family members. It is mail from people in far away places to the kiss of my loved one. All these people will touch a part of my soul in one way and every one of them has a soul too with feelings and they also have hopes and dreams just like I do.

We are not Armour plated creatures and neither are men with their macho behaviors. If boys are taught to hide their emotions or repress them is that why they have so many issues with them later in life? Perhaps! But it is not my point here.

Last night I was at a dinner party and "he" was there, "he" being my ex-boyfriend. Why we parted is also not a point here and certainly has no bearing on my preferences in life but perhaps more on his appetite for more than one dish at a time.
His wife was not present even though she knew I would be in attendance.
Yes we took a moment and talked and everyone in the room knows our history so I did feel quite self conscious at times as I noticed glances towards us but tactfully pretended that I did not.
We spoke of business since we share the same one. In fact he introduced me to it from my leaving education and attempts to enter this field. In his time he was an acknowledged master and I can be proud that he noticed me and that I was once under his direction and guidance. He taught me well and the business side moved into a personal side.

After we parted my life was hell, I was dragged through jigoku being killed over and over again. I ran away from everything because of him, only to realize that I can't run away from myself.
So the essence of myself was there within me and it was always there and it was I who made it strong once again. Not alone of course, I could name so many people who helped me stand again and my thanks will be with them eternally.
But here I was at this dinner party and standing and talking to him and I have remained true to all the things he taught me about this business despite other inputs and influences. Despite being knocked over and standing again and despite him running off to marry my friend and sending me to suicide alley, here we are.

Then he said it.

Those soft falling rivers that drench our cheeks and the sudden awareness of that emptiness we feel inside when the other is not there. Oh how can you have made such a torrent of feelings inside me when I felt aloof, immune and desensitized to all the temptations this world could place before me and in my path?

Me, the one with armour plating around a cold and forgotten heart that is sometimes too shy to beat and push the lifeless blood through stilled veins
Me, the one so icy and oblivious to the warmth that was offered to me from so many...and then you came!

What are you that can do this to me?

My walls dustily crumbled as you crashed through them with your innocence and beguile. What could I do to defend myself? I thought I knew all those tactics and could easily ward them off and keep myself free from the affections thrown at me.

You proved me wrong and showed how defenseless I really was and when your arsenal of charm engaged, I never saw it come and pass right through me. The greys became colored and like the petals reaching towards the sun, I glowed in your light, I basked in your radiance and you presented to me my own emotions, laid bare and naked and how much now I know I need you in which to grow, let me reach out to you....

He said "I still care about you ... very much"

Do I care?
Yes I do and I told him I do and kissed his cheek lightly no matter what those around me might think and left him to talk with others.
Later I came home and cried.
It wasn't the I lost you again crying. It wasn't the I still love you crying. It wasn't even the I feel sorry for you (or me) crying.
It was just the crying just to let out some emotion that it caused.
We are like sponges and soak up so much and then you have to squeeze it dry again.

But I felt much better when I had my hug from the love of my life.