Moments from a late spring

Spring has most definitely arrived and you know I am hibernating this year with so much reality happening and my blog is apparently falling by the way-side. The slow entry into spring from the previous season reflects across my visage in an almost comparable and homologous way.

Last February I told you I absolutely adored the British TV show of Sherlock homes played by Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman and I loved the Iron man Sherlock in the moves starting Richard Downey Jr. Recently I have just started watching an American TV series of Sherlock played by Jonny Lee Miller and the adorable Lucy Liu playing Dr Joan Watson. It is a nice relaxing evening show that is filled with deductions from simple observation for me to enjoy once the angels have gone to bed.

Once more I have been able to get myself some translation work but again I know this is a temporary thing and it will only last until September / October. My promotion / events now are outside of contract although I do manage a little freelancing through my dear friend and ex-boss, Yoshi but it is not so much an actively sought vocation now. I think of my present scenario as a kind of vocational pinball as I run our home and help out with Hitomi's studios but finding a place for me, one where I can fit my time around it proves difficult. This position I find myself in is one very similar to how I had often imagined, 'I always knew this would happen' I think to myself but I know in my heart of hearts that I could not have offered my best had I remained at the desk with JJ magazine and trust me, I do miss it!
There have been 'side effects' to my ill-health over the last few years and how strange it would appear if I were to tell you that I was probably the last to notice them. Yet this is how I perceive it. The men in blue smocks and who may listen to my beating heart fill me with reassurances and I smile and nod my thanks and appreciation but inside I know the truth is out there as opposed to in here. Still, I refuse to dwell upon such matters or indeed expose them fully here into my blog and all that I will say is that it's all in my head and I certainly hope I mean physically and not fully following the idiom. Perhaps it would indeed be more accurate to say it is no longer in my head. Scary huh?
Doesn't the fact of 'you' being here mean that you like to take a look in my head?
Oh please tell me what you see!

Happiness is not always found when we are in the driving seat. This I know! Being the passenger is very much less stressful and surely we still get to where we're going, no? Too much choice may confuse us and too much happiness as could reside in Barbarella's awful machines seems like over-abundance in the extreme. Perhaps then it is the simple things in life we should seek, after all what good is complicating matters? In this 'pursuit of happiness' I would like to say that the passenger seat is quite comfortable as indeed is looking from the window at the path we take upon our journey.
If I asked you, "What makes you happy?" How would you answer me?
You may tell me a lot of what most would consider ideals or you may even philosophise a little or offer 'standard' generalizations but would you, could you be totally honest and look deep into your heart and tell me truly? I have found that most people are pretty poor predictors of what will actually make them happy and so they tend to look back at their lives and offer me moments from their past when they recall 'being happy' perhaps to the point of transposing those moments from the past into today or tomorrow.
What makes me happy?
I don't think I can tell you. I am happy in my home and with my angels and with Hitomi. I am content and yet somehow I have yearnings for something that I feel that I have lost. I thought it was my safe job at my desk but it's not that. I think I feel a sense of relief that I no longer need to create upon demand as it were. I thought it may have been the loss of my carefree days when Hitomi and I were first together and we could live hour to hour  and do things on impulse rather than plan out routines, but it is also not that either. I kind of like organizing the family planner.

We journey through the days of our lives and become what we must become in order to face tomorrow. I could not give up what I have right now. How long I dreamed to have my family back with me feels like a lost eternity and this fear within me that 'he' may try to ruin this when 'he' is released is perhaps a nightmare of my own creation and it is perhaps grossly unfounded but that little demon sitting on my shoulder who is often whispering in my ear, tells me that I should know what he is like and make preparations just in case the worst case scenario is enacted. I know I should be cautious in my dealings with him. This much is true but I should not create the monster from a mere shadow. The purity on my other shoulder assures me that since it was a legal decision to restore to me my rights that I feel I must stress he was responsible for my having lost them as he led me into such an awful mess he would need to follow the same route if he truly wanted to shatter my world completely. I have been guilty of some wicked thoughts regarding 'him' but exposure of such exposition would have my world fall down just as easily.
Oh would I pray to some deity but then what exactly would I pray for?
Be careful for what it is we wish because the different interpretations of one simple wish could lead us all into so many directions and any analogy you care to dream up regarding this matter would no doubt demonstrate the validity of my words. Even an insane uttering could offer more perspectives of reasoning to those of us with ears. I recall my Father saying to us as children, so many people talk and we listen which we either accept or dismiss. Why not choose to ask yourself why does this person say this thing at this time?

I have lost a part of me in such a way that I seem to know it merely by its absence. If 'it' were a book it would be so easy to take it, to read the title and to examine the content. However from my perspective it is a row of books upon a library shelf with one unknown volume missing. Its space tells me that 'a book' was there but I have no memory or catalog to inform me of what it was and it is in this manner that I find it most truly annoying.
Back to happiness and I think I find myself in the reflected happiness of others. If I make my family happy then I feel I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. This is something I need to feel.
Could I say, "It makes me happy?"
The smiling is in my eyes but not always upon my mouth!

Over dinner the other night, Sumomo wanted to know about yuudoku and dokusei. The English translation of these words would be 'poison' and 'venom.' There is a lot of interchange ability in Japanese of these two words just as there are in English but the truth is they are different words and mean different things.
So I simply asked the angels how many snakes are poisonous. They replied that they believed that most of them were and I shook my head. Perhaps there are two or three I said but Yamakagashi is one of the very few poisonous snakes. It has a diet of toxic toads and stores those toxins in glands around its neck. Any predator which kills a snake to eat him always makes the kill at the neck. He is in for a most deadly surprise with this one.
Poisons are what you eat or drink I explained but venoms are injected into us. We decided that the best way to remember this was to think of it as poisonous when we bite it but venomous when it bites us. Since we are all still alive for me to tell you this we can safely assume that dinner was of the non-toxic variety!
Perhaps Tety would like a pet snake?

And finally for this post I would very much like to take this moment to congratulate my dear friend Nancy, who became engaged to be married earlier this month: Congratulations Nancy, I wish you both a wonderfully happy future together.