In darkness and in pain

I sat at my desk at home and rubbed my tired eyes. I have not slept well recently and I ascribe that to frequent changes in my timings of wakefulness and sleep. I stay up late for a variety of reasons and not all of them are personal and consequently I am waking late the next morning and then find that I can't really sleep well the next night and I have an early start the following day. My bodily rhythm is all out of 'synch!'
I leaned back in my chair and looked at scattered sketches and a half hearted attempt at an article. I say half hearted because it appeared gray and drab to my dark, tired eyes and it lacked my usual charisma. The words read as if dull and monotone. Perhaps it's the way I read it rather than how I wrote it. I could be reading it with a listless detachment devoid of my usual emotive inflictions.
I rubbed my temples an attempt to soothe away the pressure.
Headaches are scary for me. They rob me of reason and calm and the ability to function well. The fear that I speak of is the nagging doubt inside of whether it is something more than just a mere headache. Of course it can't be anything more I assure myself, my last scan showed all was well and so this pain my dear Momo is exactly what it appears to be, a nagging headache!

I watched some astronomy program on TV as I sat with my hot cocoa and tried to relax and ease myself out of my work related stress. I'm home now and I should be able to 'switch off' and forget my working persona with all of her duties. I still have plenty of time before the deadlines.

There was a time when I thought of myself as a deadline queen. When I was between situations I'd get a call for a required article for some magazine or paper of the 'blow in the wind', bits and pieces kind. A seemingly pointless piece like a space filler and the reasoning behind it would only be understandable to the editor who saw the big picture and was aware of the continuity and coherency of the overall magazine flow. Where exactly the piece would go as the pages were turned through their own logical continuity. I of course didn't care about any of that, it was just rice and meat to me but I personally wanted to be associated with dependability and reliability and so I tried hard, real hard. I'd take these assignments from anywhere and everywhere that other writers would seemingly dismiss or 'not have the time for' and I'd have editors thinking of me when they were looking for someone who'd show willing. Word would slowly go around that I'd take these small unassuming commissions and I'd make good. I'd get other calls from numerous other sources for other work which kept my bank balance looking healthy and I can tell you that this was important to me when I was between contracts and struggling freelance. The editor of such and such might have called me around ten in the evening and he wanted so many words on a certain subject and could I have it done by six the following morning? I'd usually get straight to it, a little introductory research and mentally outline my approach and then I'd hammer the keys so to speak and I'd usually get it done a little quicker than the proposed deadline and send it off with an hour or two to spare in case of the return call and the re-write request. Those were the times of apparent freedom from the constraints of contractual obligation balanced by an almost independent license with ambiguous uncertainty.

Back to the present and the stiffness in my neck that I feel as I try to massage it with one hand and the heaviness that I feel behind my eyes and still I slow down in drinking my cocoa to make it last a while longer as I watch this journey through the stars on television.
I thought the sun was pretty big until I saw this TV show that certainly placed it in perspective.
You can get a similar idea here... (Amazing)!



I took some pills and slowly and very delicately brushed my teeth so as not to aggravate the pounding that I felt growing in my skull and I turned off the TV midway through the proposed fate of an ever expanding universe. I somehow wished that my head could expand to accommodate the galloping horses, the drumming carnival and the small artillery battle.
I got into bed and lay still in the darkness.
Darkness turned to semi darkness as by eyes became accustomed to the night.
I was alone in the semi darkness, Miss Adventure being on tour again. I just lay looking at the space she'd usually occupy. I turned. I turned several times in the hope of finding a single position that would offer me comfort. The clock labored slowly to display ten and I finally closed my eyes in a determined effort to sleep.
I don't know how long I lay there but sleep wouldn't come and I refused to open my eyes to check the clock which was I'm sure, racing for the morning.
I could hear the traffic out on the Aoyama dori and the trains entering and leaving the station. So much for the soundproof windows! I could hear people talking outside as they left the restaurant and I heard a cell phone ringing for attention out there far in the distance and perhaps a gong sounded out there too although I can't imagine why I would hear that as the throbbing and the pulsing at my temples increased its relentless pressure.
Perhaps certain sensitivity can arise under certain conditions.
I must have dozed at some point, perhaps a few seconds later or several mind numbing hours after the ringing of that strange gong out there in the unknowable distance out there and as consciousness began to return it seemed that I hovered in the nether regions between wakefulness and sleep and I became aware of a conversation taking place close by. I didn't recognize the voices and I wasn't sure of the language either but it seemed I could catch names and places and inflictions and then there was a dreadful feeling of nausea and I felt my skin prickling and one of the voices suddenly said quite clearly "Shhh, she's listening!"
The ghosts were silent. A close silence enveloped me and all was quiet except for the distant traffic and still more people out there in the night.
The rolling waves of pain hit me again and I struggled to move my head because it seemed infinitely easier than rolling my eyes. Eleven twenty four and perhaps nothing had changed.
I went and took more pills and I took more than the recommended dose and felt for all the world that there were probably dead people feeling better than I was. That is a shocking statement to make without a doubt but polite table talk, social etiquette and decorum quickly disappear from behind such a wall of painful and physical onslaught.
Is there no respite?
Twelve thirty seven and I had dispensed with my pillows. They'd been cast aside and lay who knows where in the darkness in favor of a rolled a hand towel that supported my neck.
I seem to remember seeing the clock show three thirty before a ninja assassin sneaked up on me and hit me across the back of the neck. I remember a moment of intense pressure and then mercifully the world went black and it was without time or feeling.

Bells, bells, bells hurting my ears as my hand slapped the top of my alarm clock. The bell called again moment later and I reached for the telephone.
I only heard dial tone and the bell went again followed by a knock.
It was the door. I slowly got out of bed and put my robe about me each movement a personal evaluation of any seemingly left over damage from the migraine of the previous night.
The bell...
"I'm coming."  I called out although not too loudly.

"You look terrible are you alright?" Rina asked as I opened the door.
"I had a migraine last night" I explained.
"I'm sorry I disturbed you but this parcel arrived for you and it's marked urgent."

She brought the parcel in since I made no move to take it from her.
"I'm sorry I really need to sleep more." I said apologetically and remaining by the open door.
"I understand," she said, putting the parcel on top of the shoe rack, "I've had huge headaches before. Can I get you anything?"
"No thank you" I said shaking my head and suddenly thinking that was a bad idea.
She left almost on tiptoe. The clock said eight forty-five and the parcel said nothing at all. I left them both and crawled back into bed. I still felt extremely tired but at least the pains had subsided and sleep returned almost at once. The ninja stayed away to allow the sandman to do his job.
I awoke around eleven forty and yawned my way to the kitchen for coffee.
It was dark outside. Heavy gray skies as if we were beneath the shadow of Gulliver's 'Laputa'
As I sat and drank my coffee the sky unburdened herself and the rain fell in torrents!
If only I could unburden myself so easily I mused.
I did feel remarkably better after the coffee and some sleep that I must have had during my fourteen hours in the bedroom. A little soft music as I lay in the bath restored the feeling of life back into to my small frame.
Once more I can face the pile of work on my desk.
Texts, phone messages, voice-mails, emails and even a parcel marked urgent can all wait until I've had at least two more cups of coffee.