One of my past blogs, 'human' has me smiling, especially with the final comment;-
"I'm human and it's not all happy ever after just in case you think my life seems a little idyllic.
My little problems might not be major ones but consider the fact that some bloggers with egos measured in light years, like me, might not expound upon the major disasters or may trivialize them. Then again, I may just be so damn shallow that it's only the trivial snobby and petty little things that do affect me."
But I think that when or if we decide upon writing of ourselves it is natural to present ourselves in the best possible light. I can tell you and I think that most girls would agree with me that when I stand in front of my mirror I am my own worst critic! My hair isn't right, I'm not happy with my make-up, I'm too fat in all the wrong places, my breasts are too big and very soon now gravity will get the better of me and this outfit looked better in the catalog than it does on me. When I come and sit at my keyboard though and talk about myself I wonder if I do not sound like some superwoman. I really hope not but of course I can't really be the judge of that.
Smooth edges to our character are all very fine but are they real? I can use Photo-shop on my photographs to make skin blemishes that can be seen through my make-up disappear. So it stands to reason that I can just as easily write myself as the heroine.
I once said quite matter-of-factly that Hitomi and I are really open and we both believe that communication is perhaps, without doubt, the most successful key to a great relationship. We talk to each other about our day and of our feelings regarding what's happened to us, to each other and what other people may have said or done. This way we understand each other really well. I have always believed in open communication and I still believe it even now as I write this and I know what I'm about to admit to next!
The real truth is yes, there are secrets.
Let me offer an example.
This week everything is wonderful between Hitomi and I and the pleasure that I have just being in her company is totally blissful. When I have no work to do and she is free then we devote ourselves to each other and share our love. It is the most deeply complete feeling that I know of and I am sure that I could never find such intensity with another. It is a oneness where we become joined on so many levels, spiritual, emotional, intellectual and physical. It is the feeling that I am not alone in this world anymore and that all the trials and tribulations that I have endured in my life were worth it if she is my prize. She makes me feel complete. She is not perfect but by that token I am far from perfect too, even though I may write as if I am - it's one of my selling points! In my eyes she is the most amazing creature and in my heart she is a perfect fit for the void that would be there without someone to love.
But there are times, as is normal, that things do not go well for us and I become a little down-hearted and despondent and you all know that my blog is very 'heart-on-sleeve' therapy for me and I write out some of those snippets of thoughts that are firing away in the darkest recesses of my mind.
A couple of months ago, April to be precise, things did seem very awkward between us and I know that perhaps I said the wrong things to her and casting our relationship in doubt. But you have to imagine that I saw signals that led me to those thoughts or at least I thought I saw those signals.
This of course all helped me to decide to go and meet my old friend Terutaka and since then I have met him on a couple more occasions none of which found their way here into my blog! (What, you thought I told you everything?) Also I decided upon not telling Hitomi.
Why would I not tell her you may wonder when I clearly present open and honest communication as a key to successful relationships? The truth is that I know Hitomi and I know her well. I know her enough to know her exact reaction to hearing about my meetings with him. He is an ex-lover and as such Hitomi may see him as a potential rival and certainly she would not condone my meeting with him in what any neutral would see as 'dates.'
Had I sat and explained myself then I would have questioned incessantly by her and the number of "whys" she would use would be astronomical. I would be made to feel bad by her and under such a curtain of guilt on my part and suspicion on her part our relationship would once again be under that dark cloud.
We were under that cloud when I agreed to go meet him. I enjoyed his company and I know in my own heart how innocent it all was. Yes he kissed me but not the way lovers do and we certainly didn't do anything of a more intimate nature. However the potential for such encounters did exist and that's what she would use against me.
Therefore to keep the calm and to know that I do not try to hide any real crime, I keep it a secret.
And suddenly I become aware that this is how it all begins!
I was trying to spoon out the last of my breakfast grapefruit. She had finished hers and spread the lime marmalade across her toast. Just before biting into it she said that she's seen a little property that she's considering buying. My last piece of grapefruit fell off of my spoon and back into the empty half skin on my plate.
"What?"
I had to wait a while for her to empty her mouth. "I'm going to buy a small property and make a real studio."
"When did you think of this?" I asked taken aback somewhat. I suppose I have known it has been her dream for a while with her avid interest in photography from the sane side of the lens. I also thought that perhaps she was content in making the home studio in our utilities apartment bedroom.
"I've been contemplating it for quite some time. Making our home studio was like a seed for me but it has huge limitations and I need to encompass the whole spectrum of what the studio should be able to do." She bit into her toast again and I finally managed to eat my last piece of grapefruit.
"I presume you've looked into this matter so can you tell me how much it will cost?"
When she told me I was quite shocked. I suppose that I shouldn't be quite so shocked really since I know just how much goes into such a creation.
"Oh! I thought we were a team" I exclaimed and with such a statement from her I felt at once excluded. She must have seen the disappointment darken my features.
"We are a couple," she affirmed, "but this is my dream and of course I want you to be a part of it, this goes without saying. Yet as my dream I need to be the one to create the scenario. This dream was a smoky image in my mind for such a long time and recently it became much more prominent. Making the home studio was 'a test run' so to speak, a focus point where I can see the manifestation of my dream. This is going to be my business and my future and I want you there with me, supporting me other than financially but it will be mine."
I looked at her.
"You have all this" she said using both hands to point to the home around us.
"We" I corrected her.
"No, you! It was given to you and your brother. Your Dad has given you all that you need and you don't even have to work. I have had to work and I have worked hard to get what I have and now I want to create a future of my own with these hands." she waved her hands in front of me, a few toast crumbs fell across the table.
I nodded. What else could I do?
Here she was to all intents and purposes saying that she wanted to make something of herself and yet inferring that I'm a spoiled child and she at times feels like... what, a parasite?
That is only one interpretation isn't it and a cynical one at that!
But I understood her. In our relationship I think she is naturally stronger in personality than I am and how many times she lets me take the lead are uncountable. Somehow I suddenly felt like 'it's my game so I make the rules' and I can tell you that it left a sour taste in my mouth.
I wanted to explore this further with her but Yoshie chose that exact moment to phone me to discuss a job for me and my sweet Hitomi had to hurry off to her own appointment.
I watched her get ready as I spoke on the phone, such an innocent and beguiling charm she has.
In my mind I create all kinds of possible futures with how things seem at the moment. I don't like any of my future creations right now and in fact feel a little scared by where they seem to lead and what could be. I wonder if this is in some way related to guilt about things or that they are the realization that my sweetheart is declaring a barrier or border of sorts. I must admit that I do hanker after the safety, the security and familiarity of where I was a few months ago back in the past. Perhaps I am already too late to change things for this future and I am falling into one of my imagined dark scenarios.
After speaking to Yoshie I washed the breakfast dishes and cleaned the kitchen and then looked through my wardrobe to see what I'd wear tomorrow for my event in Nara.
I can't remove these worries from my mind at all that something is dreadfully wrong.
Change is scary.
P.H.Chan
June 26, 2011 2:00 AM