A little exposure

Hitomi had sat quietly at the bar since 6pm with cola and I was sitting with her and then getting up to go to help out with the waiting staff or in the kitchen. Finally she told me to sit still, my nervousness was evident! For her it was just some guy coming to have dinner with us. But this guy was a guy from my past and perhaps one where she has the chance to show who now resides in my heart. Perhaps I'm wrong to suggest that because I really don't know it for certain what her thoughts were. It was something that occurred to me as I tried to guess her mind. We are both secure and comfortable with each other and rarely has there been any need to feel such uncertainties but I have noticed a slight change in her position if we go to a lesbian bar or somewhere else where I might be approached. She's more... Obviously possessive?
I see it.
What I don't see is any change in myself and perhaps she would better tell you that because changes within me are best seen from eyes other than mine. From my own point of view I'm quite proud of her and feel lucky that it is me that she chose to allow close.
But back to this dinner and still the uncertainties unsettle my stomach and the not knowing what to expect from this guy from my past. He arrived at 7:50 and he was alone and he looked nervous. Seeing that I felt a little happier and Hitomi and I went to greet him and show him to our table. We stumbled past the pleasantries of how nice it is to see the other and how well we look and I saw your Mother in Roppongi last month.... By the third course we had got past our nerves and barriers, we had talked of past times, the good ones, not the bad! He'd mentioned seeing Aya and I mentioned my talking with Yuko at Tokyo FM last December.
And then Jazz dropped the bomb! "Yuko tells me that you are back with Menoko?" I asked enquiringly. He knows me very well and I suspect I saw a wry smile appear at my obviously searching question. Well it makes good dinner conversation and won't look out of place as dialogue for a dinner on the set of "Gossip girls".
Apparently the story transpires that he had occasion to return to Tokyo FM where he used to work because he attended a meeting and in one moment when someone he knew from his past times there casually asked after him and Menoko and because he answered too dismissively as "We are fine", it appears that a rumor started from the seeds of nothing. So by the time I spoke with Yuko, the rumor had grown to the point where they were together, married and perhaps more? It was perhaps best that we didn't delve any deeper and with Hitomi by my side I certainly didn't feel like asking what his opinion was of where we went wrong, although secretly I did have a little curiosity but what matter? What's past is past and is now the open book of chapters that led us to where we are today. As Hitomi says, if we carry strong feelings about something that happened in our past, they may hinder our ability to live in the present. So it's best forgotten, or at least dismissed as unimportant. I think I'm glad for several reasons that I didn't meet with him alone as there was quite a lot of unease about it all. Despite my reasons to want to meet with him, no matter what I said, I think curiosity was perhaps my top reason. But I'm glad he isn't with Menoko. He deserves better than her. I think friendships deserve more too and past mistakes which he and I made are forgiven and our lives move on. We can still be friends.

After he left and we went up to my apartment, Hitomi and I talked about the things he said and how she felt. I told her I felt a little guilt and apologized for any uncomfortable feelings I may have given her. But I had wanted to see him and I didn't want to do it without her. We all know the human condition and reasons of self justification. I wanted to know about him and I wanted him to see that Hitomi and I are happy together and that's exactly what I told her.
After we lay in bed we still talked about feelings, but now it was about our own and we explored the reasons why we won't ever give up on each other.

She had perhaps imagined a threat to her position and although she shouldn't have, it is natural. I reassured her that I won't ever give up on her or want to replace. The beauty of that feeling in her gave her a desire to reinforce what she feels for me. The night didn't last long enough!



Do you like my new 'Jazz's Journal' divider?


Saturday morning didn't exist as we slept most of it so everything after breakfast, or was it lunch? became a crazy rush. Hitomi shot off to her dance class and I had my hairdresser appointment. Again maestro makes me feel special and always does a good job with my hair. As we say in Japan, Kami wa onna no inochi, which means 'A girls hair is her life'. In times past a girl's hairstyle and her kushi (combs) and kanzashi (hairpins) told of her class, her religion and her marital status and perhaps even where she came from.
Today we are a little more modern Ha Ha!

I want my hair trimmed and dyed because I'm going to go to that photo-studio that the photographer at work said I can have a good deal and have a few pictures taken and send a nice one to decorate Dad's office and another one on the restaurant wall and one for someone special so she won't forget who carries her in her heart.

Sunday was the day that Yves Saint Laurent sadly passed away, his design was simply genius.



Monday evening we went to the What the Dickens, an English pub in Ebisu, not far from us. The pub is normally closed on Mondays but save the children had organised a SOS Burma talent act as a fund raiser for the children caught in Cyclone Nargis in Myanmar on their premises. It was so full that even trying to get to the bar was an accomplishment. I don't know why they call it an English pub with such delightful beers from the pumps as "Guinness", "Murphy's" and "Lowenbrau", but we tried the English "Boddingtons" and it was fair. Hitomi only usually has wine or soda pop, but she tried the beer too. For 1200¥ we also ordered a steak pie for her which she loves but I had the Chicken and fries which is very KFC of me. The acts were pretty good really and many young teens singing, dancing and even a magic show. I felt embarrassed as two young men came out and tried to do a comedy act and I don't think they performed it as rehearsed. In fact it died a dismal death on stage. But it's a learning experience for them and the result of the night raising money for such a good cause and everyone enjoying themselves was the important things.