Another nail in my heart

The last few days have been strained and strange in an odd potpourri way.
We lay in bed together and I told her I wasn't happy. When she asked me why, I said that something has gone. It's always been there from the moment I first saw her and all the way through our relationship and it has always been here until sometime recently.
She asked what 'it' was and I couldn't tell her because I didn't quite know myself.
She then asked when was the last time I actually saw it so that perhaps we can determine a root cause for its loss.
Perhaps it was not a specific time I ventured and its been something that has gradually wasted away until finally it has gone. She turned to me and held me in her arms. I felt good as she snuggled into me and held me in her arms. She then said in a low veracious manner that she loved me and I detected a tone of edginess to her voice. Perhaps it was fear or doubt that I felt was there.
"Are you sure?" I asked.
"Can you have any doubts after all we've been through together?" she countered.
I breathed in deeply, my mind swimming with my doubts floating on the surface of the maelstrom of emotions that seem to have always been in such a turbulent state. I must admit that of late I have let a few insecurities bother me and get to me under my skin and perhaps they have only served to exasperate my doubts.
Anna Karenina and Madame Bovary may well have sat in the corner of our room and regarded our scene as a somewhat callow little affair. Perhaps the 'Belle of Latifah' thought it was fair when she showed up and has showed up on several more occasions that seems right.
It's human to have doubts and I told her so. I don't want us to be together for the sake of being together or for appearances sake or because we simply became a habit. I want us to be together because we love each other and we are a team.
I fell asleep in her arms, in that warm secure place next to the subdued beating of her heart. When my eyes opened again it was just after four in the morning, she was sleeping soundly and I had to get up at six to see about another little job. I could not go back to sleep no matter how I tried and so I got up and left 'Miss Cetaneous' in dreamland. I made some tea for myself and looked out of my window at a world that sometimes forgets to sleep. Noticeable or not, some things easily become filtered out from our senses and they become indistinguishable like the background noise that we know is there but often just forget about it. I was amazed at how many previously unnoticed taxis I could see at this time in the morning.
One or the two guests sitting in that corner could wonder at 'mis-directive love' but I don't wonder, I have given up on such beverages from the poison chalice. I sat and listed instead to Miseria Cantare on the radio.

On Sunday evening we went to eat in the restaurant with her sister, Nanako and a friend of hers in Yokohama. It was a nice evening where the warmth of the day had lingered into the twilight and we ate Italian food and drank Italian wine and still, despite the beautiful setting and the tranquil ambiance and the good company there was an underlying stress like an earthquake in the making.
I actually left early and said I had a headache. Why I said this I don't really know but I just wanted to get out of there. Hitomi said she'd come home with me but I convinced her to stay with her sister. I hailed a taxi and made sure it was a male driver.
We headed north and I rested my head in my hands.
He asked if I was alright and I smiled and nodded. Perhaps I really did have a headache. He then told me the reasons why he drove via Minato, which was to avoid the heavy traffic of the usual Sunday evening and of families returning home after outings.

Momo found - Squeeze - Another Nail In My Heart

As we edged into the south side of Roppongi I remembered that I should have bought a few things earlier and so I asked him to pull over by a store that I was quite familiar with and used to use quite often a few years ago.
I do not believe in coincidences or should I really believe in fate?
I was just looking at the vegetables when I became aware of someone standing quite close to me.
"Hello" he said.
Of all the people in all the world.... and the rice scatters gently across the floor and this was no gin joint!
Terutaka, my old friend!
"You look great!" he said to me and I gave him a smile.
He returned the smile with that coy one of his that I always used to like. It lasted for a long moment like a wisp of smoke above a small fire that will linger before rising to the sky.
It seemed to take a long time standing in the fresh green section for us to bypass the niceties and when he asked after Hitomi I asked him not to ask.

Something is perhaps missing from my present and yet something from my past made me more acutely aware of it. He wanted to take me for a drink.
“Perhaps we could chat?” he asked and as I looked down at my watch I shook my head and politely told him it was too late really. Somehow we did manage a late coffee as he drove me home. For whatever reason and there could be many, he kissed me goodnight as we stood by my door.
It was long and lingering that told of the lost companionship, the lost friendship, the lost intimacies and yet innocently we reaffirmed that bond that used to be there.
Still no sign of the gin joint but you must remember this!
Moonlight and love songs are never out of date.
Hearts full of passion, jealousy and hate.
Woman needs man and man must have his mate.
That no one can deny.

Well actually I deny it.
The world will always welcome lovers no matter the gender, as time goes by.
After a little moment like that I said we could catch up another time.