In true love we find courage

I was looking through my diary at the time I first met Hitomi. My first mention of her and six weeks later...

A theatre, not a large one on Broadway but a small one on a small road. She plays so well her part up on that stage. I've been watching your world from the distance of the audience in the shadows and I've been wanting to be up where you are, to live my life in that acted part you play like you are a heroine to adore and I am some minor player in attendance. I am secretly falling apart, because to me, you're wonderful and you're beautiful, in fact you'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see. Up there on that stage many eyes are upon you but you don't see me. You are a photo and a paragraph in my program, a dream and an improbability, the fantasy of a lonely girl. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When she is with me she's everything that I ever want -but the time pulls at me and I have other things that I need to achieve and I constantly ache for the loss. When we are together I just want to lose myself in our rising to the sun and whisper all the things we both like to hear. Words that make hearts smile and allow us to feel safe and secure being with each other. But then the silence rises and falls like distant oceans and we are gone. You return to the stage and play out your roles for applause and bouquets. In the time it takes us to look back, those moments have just gone! It hurt me when you said that I'm holding onto things from the past Nothing lasts forever and I can let go of those past things, but with you I at least want to try to challenge eternity. Let's taste forever together. Without you I fall down. It's cold and it rains. It's walking empty streets at night. At the end of the night I race across town and park my car. I watch the stage door and when it opens and you appear I can smile again. You get in and together we race for the dawn.

It was a moment of magic and having watched the play on three nights I went to talk with her. An ID pass from my employer secured my access and I was going to speak with her regarding the play and as we spoke of the ideas behind the play, her character and the message the play wanted to project, we talked of many things...

Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings*

As the fates play out their games and pretend that it is the element of human nature that engage in social engineering, we met on several more occasions. I was simply enthralled with her after watching her work and she had been nothing more than a secret hope in my heart, but as I knew more about her and our topics became more personal I knew I was falling in love with her. I had made a light remark about the adoration of such a position and she had looked at me and said although one must be detached from such distractions, one such interest may be actively encouraged if it felt right.

There was so much fear inside me and I had thought that I may present myself as very foolish but I told her that I felt that my interest had grown a long way outside of the professional liaison we were engaged in. To my very great relief she laughed and said she had known this for a few days and wasn't she here with me again on our sixth meeting?

We were comfortable with the company of the other and the eagerness of arranging our next meeting showed the elements of friendship had already been created. But to dare to hope for more, to hope for love?

There is a very great relief when the person whom you secretly admire and hold in such high esteem shows a similar feeling for you. It is difficult to comprehend for a moment. You have placed her on a pedestal so high we wonder if she really can feel such warmth for our humble selves. Six weeks had passed from our initial meeting until I learned she felt for me as I felt for her and we acknowledged this with our first kiss.

Perhaps some feelings are so strong they do shine through the masks we think we wear. We often hide such strong feelings from fear of rejection or ridicule and often if it falls down, in our defense we will try to laugh it off as humor. Is it so difficult because we do not dare or is it that we don't often dare that we say it's difficult!

Everyone who is or has been in love always has a nice little tale of how they met and importantly how they discover the feelings both hold within. These stories I often find both beautiful and inspirational. Life can shrink or expand according to the courage within us and one single word can free us from burdens and pains. That word is "Love".

* Quote by Lewis Carroll.

A friend's mention of Hamasaki Ayumi inspires my song selection for this post: It's from her old CD, 'Ballads' and is called "Dearest"

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A song dedicated to a loved one with a lot of truth.
Hitomi, I thank you for two lovely years and for our future.