Chapters end

This weekend I will meet the guy who has put so much pressure on me but was also at the end of my telephone whenever I needed advice or help. Two weeks slip by with sunrises rushing to sunsets, with hours evaporating under the heat of the printer and it disappears under reams of paper in various states of disarray. The days have passed with a lot of encouragement and support from my Father which has meant more to me than I ever imagined it would or could. It was something that warmed me more than hot soup and a scarf on a cool evening could. I am much more confident because of that and although I haven't said it to him, I know that he sees it in my eyes. The other man who peeks out Bogartesque like from beneath a black trilby pulled down too far much over his shifty eyes. The man who buys me a drink and a quick lunch over hurried rendezvous. The man who uncomfortably over-maintains an eye contact as if looking right through me and if his eyes stray then its only to my trembling fingers holding my drink or perhaps gauging the weight of my zipped black leather manuscript bag, awaits me this weekend. Perhaps he likes to see how much impact damage my finger have from banging the keys. I have him mentally labelled him as 'company man' who seems to show pleasure measured in the thickness of the pile of paper that I offer him. But I feel quite confident because I have the bulk of what was asked of me. It is not yet complete and probably won't be until the depths of winter embrace us in frosty fingers but it is the measure of the style and the token of commitment, it is a volume that shows a direction and hopefully thaws a few icicles from the frowns of the distant and faceless gray men.

I have that feeling deep within me again. It's a mix of languid uncertainty and a few doubts as if some of my self belief leaves me as if moths flying to the moon and a feeling of future loss as I am about leave this place. The sudden free fall and release from my desired path and my new surroundings to descend into distant destinations of fate and home again. Of course I had to leave home and the routines behind and of course I needed to be here with dad again because he does fill a little void within me and I think I have missed that ever since I was small. His silent strength, his commanding presence and his mature mellowness has me smiling and enjoying sitting by him with his protective arm around me. It has been a really special time for us.

I'm heading home on Tuesday which is slightly earlier than I had planned but things won't wait for me. I am the center of my own universe but even I cannot hold back the hands of time. It continues its relentless march forward despite my pleading and protestations. I miss Hitomi so much and I hope she is enjoying her moment. I miss home. I miss my brother and my friends and my cat and even the girls at the office. But once I'm there I'll know I'll miss being here and I'll miss dad and the girls (sad).
So a drink to this, a drink to that and most definitely become saturated with a drink to that other. A distilled kiss awaits me and it's a glass of heaven in my hands. The currents of the future and those of the past swirl under the ice and the present becomes chilled and the seconds slip down delightfully. A bird will migrate south again pursued by an arctic chill but the warmth of what awaits me is the lure of a beacon in the darkness and a scent upon the wind. Destiny awaits me!