The "L" Word

Leave is looming and this is my last week at work for two whole well deserved weeks and thankfully my assignments are minimal. This is a good thing because I have had the midnight oil burning like a beacon to night-time torments on what I call my personal project. Sometimes I wonder if things have a habit of turning out for the best or its just the way we look at them in our acceptance of patterns of events. My partner is away working on a wonderful opportunity and our planned vacation is on hold and she won't be traveling with me. I do need the time to devote to my project, I do need to get away from the city and I'll have the chance to meet again my Aunt, my Fathers sister, who I have not seen since Mommas passing. She is staying for a week at Father's house too. So I look at the series of events in a positive way even if I don't have it all the way that I would like it to be.

Life has a habit of occasionally throwing a temptation your way. I don't know if it is a test of our resolve in some grand design of life or a mental contemplation of moral judgments.
I'd crawled with eyes closed from my bed to the shower and allow the water spray to wake me after another long night of cutting and pasting and deletions and rewriting paragraphs that seem to have fallen into my work from an alien project and trying to make it all flow instead of looking like a series of pulses and tangents for a quickly scribed blog. I'm wondering that if a picture can paint one thousand words, then why the hell can't I?
I shower, make up, dressed to kill, no time to grab a bite to eat because I'd rather have the precious minutes sleeping and then walk the fifteen minutes to Zucca for my appointment. The success they have had at the Paris fashion show has stirred a great local interest and I'm there to capture the thoughts from the designers themselves. It's a great way to wake up with walk in a brisk morning air that smells like a mixture of boiling rice, petroleum, pine and teen spirit. A quick spray of my very irresistible (by Givenchy {free advertising}) soon brought back the distinct aroma of roses. Living in the heart of the fashion capital does have its advantages. I had imagined the morning would be no more than two or three hours and had planned to go home after that and sleep a little more before I crafted my article. Five hours and forty minutes later and a rather intense morning with more depth than a 4-D puzzle had me a little excited really by the possibilities of an article being developed into a special. I managed to get two hours sleep and create a rough format proposal for my ideas. Sadly my project goes on hold while I get that initialized before my break. Work first!

Looking for the real L - Word.
Lust, Longing and Loneliness. Hitomi is away and remarkably in a world of coincidences both random and designed so was my friend Azami who we visited last week. Azami's partner, Kuri has her birthday next week and I won't be here for her celebration and so I invited her over for a meal and persuaded my brother to make a wonderful little cake for her. He made a lovely soft cream sponge with fruit in white icing. Oh delightfully wicked calories torment us. Many many thanks to Hiro for his kindness. He really is an artist and a caring brother. I bought her a small set of silver crucifix earrings because I'd seen her wear a pendant of exactly the same design and thought they would be a perfect compliment. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, in the L world when cats are away, mice will play, but it wasn't like that. Or at least I didn't think it was.
Of course I feel a bit lonely and I know she felt in a similar way too. And of course I like to talk with and listen to girls with a like-minded soul because we can identify and understand with each other so readily. So a birthday meal was a perfect reason to relax, enjoy, celebrate and sit and talk just one on one and as I write that I know how much it sounds like the opening of so much more than just petals opening to greet the morning sun. But surely it can be so innocent too? I never had any other motive and I still don't but I think the lonely part that we both felt was an underlying theme throughout several of our topics served across the table now that I think back. Although admittedly that is so unlike me, I didn't really notice at the time. I was too taken up by the occasion to analyze it. Well! It's not something we do when in the safe company of our friends is it?
The evening was wonderfully warm and I enjoyed her company and the cake and watch her eyes light up with happiness from my small gift. All of this would hardly get a mention in my blog being so normal and routine and everyday....
But the thing was the goodnight kiss.
It was too long and I didn't stop it until five or six seconds after I thought that maybe it was too long. She got into her taxi and I came straight up to bed and replay the scene in my mind over and over and over...
It was a goodnight kiss, a birthday kiss, a thank you kiss, an 'I'll miss you' kiss.
It was a 'I'm lonely kiss', an 'I love you' kiss.
I broke away, stood back and smiled my thank you for a lovely evening. She smiled and wished me a goodnight and disappeared into the night and I'm left wondering if it is my imagination?
Yes it was pulse racing wonderful but we can't allow fantasy to spoil reality and after all the heart squeezing excitement, after all the 'hey girl, please don't take me there' comes the onslaught of overwhelming guilt. I just said a few days ago about how much I feel comfortable with her, comfortable with all of us and now this one single moment allows a doubt to creep in.
Perhaps it was nothing more than a goodnight kiss and it's just my incorrect assessment. Sometimes in trying to explore my own feelings, it is more difficult than trying to understand those of someone else.

Girls gurls! We are creatures of the underworld and although many find us fascinating, we are also targeted by their fears, by their insecurities and by their misunderstanding of us. I normally hate to tag myself because I'm just a person really with the same emotions as anyone else. If someone asked you to describe yourself with single words and not phrases what adjectives would you choose for yourself? I'd love to see your answers in my comment box!
But sometimes I really am at a loss to explain what I feel inside because they appear more instinctive than reasonable and the things that I perceive others do sometimes seem equally unexplainable. I mean I'm not blind to these things, I understand the basics of human behavior but perhaps I do suffer from a short sightedness when those things move in close and I lose distance and perspective? The involvement of it blinds me to the impartial and unbiased analysis that a distant and uninvolved observer would notice. I know this prolonged kiss means something to me because it's in my head and I'm writing about it. But I think I want to dismiss it as nothing. I convince myself it was not an invitation to anything more.
It wasn't, was it?
How do I explain this? It was too much wine and I'm over tired and I suffer with human frailties the same as you...

See?
I'm going crazy! I finally fell over the edge.
This is clueless in Shibuya, signing out.
Until next time
bai bai.
Loved Life.