A long stretch

There is a deep emotional compulsion within me and I really can't explain how it happened at all. I am one of those people who knows all about the pitfalls but in recent days I felt so bad about things that I succumbed and found myself 'comfort eating' with such tasty things as cheese-burgers with onion and garlic relish and those wonderful tangy but soft onion rings. It all passes me by without notice until the dreaded morning arrived where I tried to squeeze myself into my crimson skinny cropped jeans. I found myself lying flat on my bed to flatten my stomach a little and fasten that button!
I'm suddenly not happy with my tummy again.

The last couple of weeks have really been a bad time for me suffering my all time low and perhaps my poor mood had affected more that I thought. The simple truth is that a lot of the emotion we feel inside is often projected and worn on the outside. There for the whole world to see. It appears in the things we do and in how we look. It appears in what we do and how we do them, what we say and what we write.
Somewhere in between my lines, my boss at work asked me if there was any problem. So I know how bad it has been if she saw it.
Of course I can't open up and let it out to my work colleagues or my boss so I have to try harder. I have to leave my problems at home and go do my job like I am unaffected and a cold emotionless automaton. My mind is of course on her and what we spoke of the last time we actually did speak and each and every single one of our words. Did I make myself understood and did I really understand her? There are a thousand rights and a thousand more wrongs and it's never really about them at all, it's about how we felt, how things done and words said stirred the emotions inside. We have to let it out! When I am at work I want to be with her, talking it over and trying to find a solution and when we got together it was so uncomfortable that I think we each hoped that some other time would be better. The heavy silence is a burden that convinces us to prefer to go out on our own because shared words were soured with pain, disdain and frustrated anger and top that off with liberal helpings of insensitivity.

	"Constant Craving" by k.d. lang (A MOMO FAVORITE)
	Jazz Found this at skreemr.com

She decided to move out last week and think seriously about her future and ours. She went to stay at her sister's home. I thought it might be a good way for both if us to cool down and then find our calm points before attempting any mediation. I didn't realize how empty my life suddenly became without her. I missed all the little things that I had become accustomed to her doing and I didn't want to stay home alone feeling that. I didn't want any company because I was too miserable and I didn't want to go out.
But I did go out.
On Saturday night we would have gone to the 'Mars' together but I didn't want to go in there alone and be this week's gossip gurl. After thinking if I should go or not I decided that I would go. I got ready and made sure I looked the part. Hell yeah baby, I was dressed to kill and even if I do say so myself I looked super sexy with a sultry capital "S". Miss Allure was here and ready to 'knock 'em dead' but by the time I got there I found that the girl in the mirror's confidence had gone off somewhere else because it wasn't here with me. I walked past the entrance three or four times before I finally decided to just stand in the cemetery across the road and watch the door.
How pathetic is that?
I was lost, lonely and cold. Empty and totally apathetic but pride and a gnawing isolationist feeling inside of me brought on by a misplaced sense of exclusion wouldn't allow me the courage to step inside.
With sad downcast eyes and a disappointing sense of resignation I walked downtrodden into the next street and went into the 'Annex' for a 'calm me down' drink and a little solace.
This place was like our place except with different people. A sea of unfamiliar faces greeted me. Impassive and nameless faces of couples or small groups engaged in small talk and a few faces that were familiar to me. The faces of the drifters who do the circuits and cover most of the gay bars in the chrome hovered at the edges of the established set.

Sayou was one of those faces that I hadn't seen before and that was a sad thing because she wore such a beautiful face with eyes that smiled and said things that her whispers had not. I had only been in the bar fifteen minutes before she squeezed in next to me. She introduced herself with a honeyed voice and she gave me my moment where I felt no longer alone. She bought me a drink and with such expertize had me relate my story. I was talking with a complete stranger who had showed me warmth, understanding and sympathy and when finally she wiped a tear from my eye with her finger and then put it in her mouth. I had a very uncomfortable feeling inside.
Alarm bells ringing and no one running for the fire exit!

You rarely see it until you are in it. I should have known then that I was in the wrong place and on the wrong menu but it is so easy to lose yourself when you're alone and company starved. It's a hard thing backing off from a butch who thinks she has her claws in you. They give you the misunderstood lines and the guilt inducement lines and the sweet promise lines until finally the butch shows her true colors with aggression and the confrontation escalated when for a moment I was physically and forcibly restrained up against the wall by her exceptional strength.
I expected to be hurt very badly but she reluctantly let me go and walked off when another couple walked into the powder room and gave her the eye. I went to collect my coat and left. Gurls like that scare me and I've heard the dark stories of violent butch gurls.

By Sunday afternoon I had to call Hitomi because I was so broken up inside. Thankfully she had no icy tones and was concerned about the previous night's incident.
She was out with her sister and so I arranged to meet up with them and that was not as awkward as anyone may imagine. The first thing I saw her do when I walked into the bar was to look at me and smile and that made me smile too.
After a few relaxed drinks with her sister she came home with me and we just talked and finally we put all of this behind us. No more silliness, no more wanting to run and hide and no more feelings of being left alone and unloved.
It was a horrible feeling of having argued.
It was worse after that because hurt feelings didn't allow us to talk properly.
It was worst still more after that because we were both alone and we didn't know how to get back together. That's where we really belong.

It's very easy to say it now but at the time of experiencing those things it seemed as if the four horsemen of the apocalypse had rode by. It's easy for me to write about it too because I have not said exactly what our disagreement was about and for this blog it doesn't really matter.
What matters most is that we found our moment to talk and our moment to realize how we made it more hurtful by our inappropriate actions even if they were dictated by the little demons of malicious emotions. By Tuesday the boss at the office gave me a momentary smile and a nod as she read my submission. I guess that I still carry my heart on my sleeve and when my heart is happy that too is reflected in all that I do.

Now I must do something about getting into my jeans again. Hitomi had a very difficult struggle to get me out of them.