Lost

Madame Butterfly came home this evening from her three day venue and we went out to the Lex to chat and drink with our friends. It's a strange sensation that I feel but inside I kept thinking that these evenings with these people that we love so much are now numbered. That feeling has a weight and an extra heaviness about it. She does not seem to feel it. The butterfly just flutters by! At her core she is more loving and happier I think because of my agreement with her idea but still she seems thankfully free of burden. I hope that is not a reflection of indifference but I hope it is more of a pride that she now knows how I will make that sacrifice for her. I admit that I do feel lost and I tread upon such unfamiliar ground with such trepidation about me with my eyes peering everywhere at once. Let it be a brave new world and please don't let my courage fail me now!

It's a very difficult position that I find myself in with very different and conflicting thoughts and emotions raging inside. I have decided that Hitomi needs her dream and needs me to support her in it and so a move seems now to be a definite future event. We will need to find somewhere to live and I will need some income. It is unfortunate that there is no vacancy at this time in our Osaka office and so an internal company transfer is crossed from my list.
I am a little reluctant to give up what I have because it means something to me. It is our foundation and in such economic times as these I feel rather irresponsible in giving it up. But the underlying sense of adventure that started within her has become a contagion and I just want to spread my wings and fly with her.
From where we stand to where we are going to be feels like a little of a role reversal between the two of us.
I will telephone Dad on Sunday evening and tell him of my hopes and what my initial plan is and I'll see if he has any advice for me.
I know I will get a lecture about responsibility and duty and perhaps many other things I have not yet considered because the dream probably blinds me but this is our last chance of letting the wind of life fill our sails at random and blow us along the paths of indeterminable fate. Let us hope we are not cast adrift on a dead calm sea.

Next week I travel to the Wild West!

I started a Poll last time and as I write this it has almost reached its seven day limit. I asked if you listened to the music that I posted. I had two kind readers declaring a 'yes' and four of you admitting to 'sometimes'. Thank you so much for voting. The music I post in my blog-posts is never just a random thing or chosen without reason because I heard it somewhere. I choose them because they will say something more than my words alone are saying and they will have meaning, the lyrics will be relevant to what I'm saying or feeling.
I'm sure you could all find a song now that says something about the way you feel right now. If you can think of one feel free to tell me about it in my comment box. From my own point of view it is just another tool in my word-play and how I hide things and allude to things and infer things with references both blatant and opaque and layer some of my sentences on several levels and even write in-between the lines.
This posts song is 'Dreamer' and the lyrics are pertinent.

Dreamer by Uh Huh Her
Dreamer Lyrics