Leave behind the day

The complications of everything seem to make me glad that I can walk comfortably and safely on thin ice and care not for the depths below. I long for the simplicities and I have wings to keep me aloft and I of course instantly believe that my head may well be in the clouds because I do question whether or not my vision has become obscured.
Oh let's run away!
Far far away
over distant horizons just to see what's out there.

Dad went home yesterday and I miss him already. We had a time to chat about things and he really wants me to go to stay with him for a while and I said I'd love to but I can't make any commitment to when I can go and for how long for until I sort a few things out. He of course smiled and nodded his understanding. This of course makes him more understanding than I am because I don't know what I mean. I want to leave here and just get away as part of my 'running away' instinct. Home is home and as lovely as it is I always feel good when I can get away for a while and relax in a completely different environment.


I have even lost the desire to write...
So now it becomes obvious that I'm not me anymore.
Even you see it right?

I had imagined that being alone might have been a good thing but suddenly I feel that it's a rather foolish 'want' and even if I had conveyed that idea to Dad he knew better and sorted out a little place in Kainan, Wakayama-ken for the two of us. I know I've been strangely unbalanced with my feelings about almost everything and I firmly believe that a break from home and the normal routines will greatly improve how I feel inside. Love is an attachment that ties us to someone else and I like being tied in this way and other ways too (laughs) but for me to be alone at this time is my insanity offering suggestions.

If I were to take the magic away from love, to strip it bare of its magic, its allure, its selflessness, I could say that it's selfish! Maintaining the love we have for one other person only seems worthwhile if it makes ourselves feel as we do or contributes to our self fulfillment.

Enough of that! Let's put the magic back and accept it in its beauty and wonderment and know that we really need it at our core to fuel us and to inspire us to better and greater things.

If you were to look inside yourself right now and asked the question, "Am I happy?" how would you answer? A dismissively bland and empty but well practiced 'yes' to just move on to the next part of the conversation or can you pause to look deeper? I'm not asking for philosophical treatises on Happiness, I'm just asking you to ask yourself. If you can genuinely answer yes, then what it is that constitutes that happiness? What is it you could lose that would take that happiness away from you? If you answered no, then why not. What is it, do you think that you could gain that would give happiness to you?

Aristotle would tell us sincerely that happiness is a state of being rather than merely a feeling. For my part it would seem that I am unable to take happiness as a single attribute away from the turbulent mix of all the things that make up me and analyze its essence or to view its true nature and determine how to make it better. There have been many things that seem to eat at the 'ties' between Hitomi and I and it should be the both of us that constantly work on maintaining and repairing those ties.

So while Hitomi and I run off and strengthen ties I contemplate a return to enjoying my small and vulgar pleasures. Having your cake and eating it! She likes to lick the crumbs so it's fitting that I allow the crumbs to fall in the most interesting of places!

I shall accept the things that make me happy and I will give those things that make her happy. I have been guilty of so many things that have put distance between us and I think she's worked twice as hard while I've been remiss in my duties. This break is many things. It's a chance to feel good, to find myself again and to appreciate and to reassess my priorities.

Did I mention that I don't desire to write?

How'd you get to be happiness
How'd you get to find love, real love

Goldfrapp - Happiness (Rex the Dog Remix)

It worries me that I could be lost and whatever can I do to fill this annoying void inside?
Reboot, recover, recuperate and revamp.
Re.... Insert disc
Oh just insert!