Strange feeling

Hello. It's me!
How are you?
I hope you're well.
Me?
Thank you but I'm not quite sure yet...
-----------~
did you think this was me?
It is me!
Only it was me from last week.

The subjective "nows"

Your 'now' is when you read this, Blogger's 'now' is when it publishes this at 8am on the 15th and my 'now' is 4am Saturday 9th - which is last week for you.
I cannot sleep. I spent my evening with my love until she could stay awake no longer and fell asleep beside me. My own sleep seems pointless somehow. I want my eyes wide open to see everything. I listen to my favorite songs, I smell the subtle perfume she wears and I reach out to people who mean something to me and their reassuring touch tells me that they are not merely phantoms in a false existence.

Imagine a letter being delivered several days after you post it and that's what I have done here in Blogger. I can schedule a post to be published, that is if I did it right! I guess it also represents my wish that if some one could come along and cut a whole week slice out of my life and throw it away so that I retain no memory of it, I would be very happy. Please cut here...
I don't think I'll be home yet because if I was I'd most likely delete this post because this one embodies so much fear I feel right now despite the reassurances of family, friends and my Doctor. It is not enough. It is naked emotion, a fragile thing that I could crush in my hand like a dried flower.

Again I've been suffering a lot of headaches and as usual I've put it down to long days and short sleeps or strained eyes. Unfortunately it is more than that but my pains will end one way or another! I can imagine the 'quality of life' in the balance and without fear I would say I cannot continue to live this way but here on the verge of entering hospital once more, I wonder if indeed I could live with it? Sometimes I could cry at the injustice of it all because it feels like I didn't do anything wrong to deserve this. I had thought that since 2005 my life had changed for the better as some kind of balance in karma to all that had gone before.
What once I almost threw away I would cling to now with all my strength.
In my life I've been in hospitals too many times with so many things going wrong. Shakespeare's line from Henry five seems appropriate "Once more into the breech, dear friends, once more!"
I stiffen my sinew and summon my blood and wear a mask of strength and courage to hide the fear and trepidation that is really flooding my soul. I feel quite small and quite lost in a very scary and lonely place. Such treasures glitter and sparkle across my eyes but the days seem too tired to care. I feel the sadness of resignation to the fates about me.

I could make large the small points of any event but not this one. This one I offer my respect and show it fearful silence as I hope it passes me by and notices me not. It is a cold and foreboding entity that manifests itself about me and it has the icy touch of dirty snow. This shadow has followed me all my life like an antibody watching carefully my steps across the sweet vales of Mother Earth.
Am I a foreign body invading? Do I belong here? Will you envelop and devour me?
If this is some genetic inheritance from my beloved Mother then know that I could never bear her any ill thoughts. I am the proud bearer of all she gave me. I am thankful for all I've had from both of my wonderful parents. Daddy I love you. Don't let it hurt.
Oh please let me stay a while longer, there is so much more for me to do.

-`*`-

Oh don't mind me, I'm just being silly and I'm writing from a chair that seemed to tremble as much as I do.
I don't know what else I can say right now. Despite meditating and talking with Hitomi and writing private letters as yet unopened, I fear the future and dread its approach. I just wish this week was over and by the time you read this it will be.

I'm surrounded by millions of people. My lover sleeps close by so that I may touch her and yet I feel so alone. No hand upon my shoulder and no embrace for me to fall into. My tears fall silently and unnoticed in the quietness of such a lonely hour.

Oh what an entity this internet is.
It is my companionship in lonely moments and it has seen relationships and friendships form in ways unimaginable only twenty years ago. It is a new form, a digital form of intimacy. It is a kiss across countless kilometers, poetry from unknown corners and the reading of opinions and thoughts from anyone with a keyboard. Even the smallest of you can shout to the world. It's a new layer of the human experience and it shows some of us at our best and some of us at our un-moderated worst!
I love it and yet I would gladly give it up for some guarantee from an uncertain future.
Please tell me that'll see tomorrow.

The conflicts that I feel inside right now in my subjective 'now' are fears. One fear makes me want to say so much as if I would never have the chance to say these things again. One fear is that of ridicule that when I come back and everyone says "You were a bit negative Jazz, a bit of a drama queen."
Perhaps I am but in my way I have to let it out so that I may be left alone with peace as my last attendant. Such ailing thoughts rob me of my usual warm smile and positive attitude.
Please don't think bad of me. I'm only one small person in a very big universe and I feel the dawning of an Agoraphobia touch me at my edges. I threw my Thanatophobia away but oddly it does seem boomerang shaped.

The train continues and should I arrive at my station sooner than I had imagined then my sincerest wish is that someone is there to greet me. I would not like to be lost in such an undiscovered country. As I meander along Avenue Montaigne, I shall contemplate the scene before that last curtain. Man cannot make a worm and yet how many Gods has he created? Such invisible comforts they are as they excitedly shout their encouraging cheers of support as I race toward that final goal. So much is 'known' of that final goal which seems to confirm Montaigne's axiom in that "Nothing is so firmly believed as that which least is known."


My times races forward without attenuation or impediment and strange memories of so many summers ago fall onto the things about me as I regard them. I wish I could go back into then. It was simpler time then and further away from tomorrow.

Paths etched by your hands far into the distance.

The end I cannot yet see but I kept going

Is it here?

A river that flows through hearts and our empty souls.

To the ocean where we become as one.

Now I must not fear the unknown

The answer is cryptic and bound in unworthy words

She will struggle to go on.

I hope she is far braver than I've found myself to be.

Kodomo no koro ni modoru yori mo ima wo umaku ikite mitai yo
Kowagari wa umaretsuki
I want to try living in the present rather than returning to my childhood
It's my nature to be a coward
oh yes!