Looking back at myself

Tomorrow is three years exactly since Hitomi and I became a couple. December four 2005 is the evening that I looked into her eyes and let her know exactly how I felt. Of course I more than suspected she was of the same persuasion as me but I didn't know it for a certainty. It was a risk of looking foolish and of insulting her but I could not contain it and if I didn’t speak up we could have lost the only chance of love. She gave me all the right signs and her answers to my questions were promising. December the fourth was the evening I kissed her for he first time and she kissed me. We both knew then and the elation was the most wonderful feeling any human being can possibly ever experience. She sent my soul soaring above the clouds and to be honest with you, I'm still flying high. I never want to come down again.
I have booked a dinner for two at Restaurant Canard in Shinjuku on Saturday night because that was the dreamy evening of our first official date together as a couple and so it means a lot to us. Sentimentality has its place.
I think I have never been happier than from that moment forward. We have had our ups and downs and misunderstandings but which couple won't have to suffer and undergo these trials? But as we have grown together life seems so wonderful and although I think back to Momma and her wanting me to marry, it was never destined to be that way. I did try to please her and I did try relationships with guys but they all seemed to collapse and end and I don't think the blame lies with what was always in my heart. I hid away so much to make others happy. Had she the strength to stay with us a little longer then I think she would have loved Hitomi as much as I do and I'm sure she would have understood me. I often feel sad because there were things I wanted to say, wanted to explain but I was afraid to make her cry and that was something I could never do. Better I cry than ever hurt her.

My life before Hitomi seems distant and I think that what I miss most about it are the people that I knew rather than the places and situations. The most important thing in our personal histories are the people who came into it. I have thought often about Ayumi and Terutaka. We were the terrible three and always together as the best of friends until a weird and wonderful moment that Teru and I shared. Perhaps it was a genuine moment and perhaps we both fooled ourselves but it doesn't matter because it did happen and things changed from that moment.

Hitomi and I met him a little while ago over dinner and as much as I had hoped to salvage some strings of friendship from the past, as much as I wanted to show Hitomi that I would not meet him without her being with me and as much as I wanted to meet him for all the right reasons, I forgot one thing.
I forgot that what we had back in the past has to remain in the past because that is who we were at that time. Today both he and I are different people and we have moved on and the way we were is not appropriate in today's versions of us. We have grown in different directions. Priorities and social standings have changed.
I miss Ayumi very much too. We were the best friends for five years but it seems that changing lifestyles and changing jobs changes us as people and changes the people around us.
Yes I'm very happy now and there are not many things that I miss but there are definitely people that I miss.
All the tears that I cried and the pain I had to hide seems to be because I was never following my heart as Momma often told me to do. Instead I followed my dreams. But were they my dreams?
I think perhaps that I was the square peg in the round hole of other people's hopes and dreams. I was the appeasement girl making everyone else happy and having nothing left for myself. But I wouldn't change anything even if I could because that round hole did take some of the edges off of this square peg.

It could have been so very different when I remember all the things that happened. But every life choice I ever made or was made for me directed me here to today and who I am right now. Some of that journey was difficult and painful but I'm really glad I made it here.
I had considered importing my old blogs into jazz's journals but then I decided against it for the same reasons of although it was a direction that I took to find me here today, here really is a new era and those darker days can remain hidden as the divide between night and day.



I had just exited from the delicious warmth of my relaxing bubble bath when she came home. She brought with her a couple of cute little teddies that fit onto our phones. It's not exactly the 'hime denwa' that teens use to over decorate their phones to the point of what I consider overdone but it's just cute to add a little touch and we all know that 'cute' is important in deft little ways. It is said that English doesn't have tones like some other languages but I'm sure I've heard in English, someone say "Don't take that tone of voice with me!"
So...
"Aawww she's cute" in a soft tone could be said of a small girl dressed up as a Princess.
"Oh! She's cute" in a deep tone could be said about a beauty contestant.
"She's real cute!" in a sarcastic tone means that she isn't cute at all but has an attitude.


But for me, cute is cute. "Kawaii!" So whether you like it about us or not, love it or hate it, intrigued or revolted, it is a part of our life and I personally think that's pretty cute! For me it is both desirable and harmonious.

We both love our little Teddies.