Feelings of spring

When I sleep I have a dream. It is not one that lies on the edge of forgetfulness that when I wake it is lost or was it but once and so outstanding that I remember it for the moment in which it visited me. This dream is special because it returns to me often and like a theater run it is the same performance each time. The craftswomen of my mind weave out the same embroidered dream of love as I see her walk out of the sea and walk towards me where I sit beneath the shade of an overhanging palmae. On her approach, which is almost a glide across the warm white sands, she wears such a wonderful smile that at once endears her to me. I sense such a mounting excitement and my heart races as she reaches to me. She bends and leans forward as if to kiss me, then in the terrible disillusionment of all anticlimaxes, the dream ends. It is by no means to be considered an epic and if it was a movie this would be a single scene on the trailer. As I dream it, it may last a mere second in real time but for me living within it, it seems five or ten minutes long and so real in its warmth and texture as if I really do live it and I note such fine detail as if it is real event. I do not remember this moment ever happening in real life and I have never met the girl or visited the place of my dream. The possibility is then that it represents something I want and desire to happen in its symbolic nature.
Perhaps some of us pay little attention to dreams or some look for a deep or esoterical meaning. I think I just accept the fact that some parts of my mind does things that the rest of me does not always understand. Perhaps rather than just relying on what my eyes or my mind's eye alone tells me I should allow my heart to interpret those things as feelings. Letting my heart tell me my dreams rather than any cold analytical mind might help me understand more. What would those scientists say about love as they look at it under their microscopes, some chemicals in my blood affecting my behavior?
I would rather hear it from the Poets and I'd give anything to hear their voice tell me the warmth of my dream rather than why it is I dream it. It seems that life is very often a puzzle and all the pieces will fit together in the creation of who we are and what we feel and even our dreams. Every experience we have will be one more daub of paint on our life's canvas. All the shapes come together to create the picture of who we are now and what we will eventually become.

Some of us seem to wish that life was easier. I just wish that it was easier for me to understand with a greater depth in its seemingly intricate and often perplexing complexities. It is asked how we can understand others if we cannot at first understand ourselves. I have spent a great deal of time in trying to do just that and attempt to understand myself and I'm still trying. Just as soon as I cry out "Eureka, I have it", then it all seems to change and I have to start all over again. Thankfully my core beliefs seem to remain intact and true.
I am often undecided whether to follow my heart or my dreams. Momma always said that I should follow my heart even when I thought it was my dreams that I should be chasing. I have found really that love and the happiness that love brings is in my heart and in my dreams too. All I ever wanted was acceptance, love and understanding. I just wanted someone to love me as much as I would love them.

What is this post? Is it one of those with soppy girly feelings that I occasionally offer?
You all know I'm a tough girl, a gay girl but still a girl. One who is aware of what's important and for me this is important. Sometimes I feel like I'm a great explorer and I'll eagerly set off on a voyage of self-discovery that millions have already sailed before me. In simple truth, some of it is still new to me as I explore myself and the world I find myself in.
In understanding myself, I have just said that I might understand others better. You can transpose that into thinking that by reading me here and understanding me a little more, you might well see some of your self reflected here and so you too can explore your selves.
It also occurs to me that being in love is like setting sail on another adventure, perhaps the greatest one we'll ever undertake in our lives. In love the smallest distance is sometimes just too great and yet strangely we all know that in love the greatest distance can be bridged. It is something to consider as I wish all of you happiness and love in your own voyages of self discoveries. Spring is certainly the season to feel it!

	Pet Shop Boys - I Want To Wake Up
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

I have been out and chosen a nice little dress for my friend's wedding next week. You'll have to wait to see it!

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I had a moment to chat with a dear friend of mine from China. I won't mention her name because she never gave me permission to do so. She mentioned that she often comes to read and excused herself for lack of comments but told me herself that she admired my writings.

It does not matter to me that she doesn't comment. I like that through my own therapeutic reasons of opening up my soul just a little and expressing myself in how I feel attracts readers to often view my page. I must admit thought that when she said that to me, I can tell you that inside I glowed. Simple words she gave me and that's all I needed to make it feel all so worthwhile....

Thank you my dear friend.