Is she?

I often wonder to what extent we lie to ourselves about something. It may be easy to lie to others and even be convincing about it but how do we lie to ourselves and get away with it? More to the point, should we lie to ourselves?
I think when we start lying to ourselves and do it repeatedly it becomes harder to discern our own truths. Continuing along this path we lose our ability to respect others and ourselves. We lose our ability to trust others and ourselves. We become faithless, empty people who have nothing but contempt for others and we amuse ourselves with our own petty vices and we merely play with the emotions of others in a very uncaring attitude.
Oh my stars! I went further with that paragraph than I first thought I would...

Oh look Momma, she's going to talk about sex again!

What's wrong with this girl?

No, I wanted to say something about how I felt inside in the living of a lie. I have had three loving relationships with men and I honestly believe that I loved each one of them and our relationship during its time was good and honest. Because of this I always thought of myself as bi-sexual. I really dislike this term because to me it feels like the relationship I enjoyed was nothing more than a sex based one. Nothing could be further from the truth. My last boyfriend took me to the last step before marriage and of becoming a Mother and that was a very sad and tragic ending. At the time I had accepted that this would be my life and I really was looking forward to it. Of course I can look back at those times from today and know that the hormonal changes inside me may well have contributed to those feelings. You can't condemn our own nature. Actually I don't want to talk about those dark times.
It's what came after that.
I went though a depression and I went through drugs and I went through hell and still I had not found myself, or had I? Because even in my early teens and at school I knew that I was different. I didn't know exactly what it was about me that was different from everyone else and sometimes in trying to peek inside my own soul and what I saw scared me. I learned quite quickly that something was wrong and had to be hidden. Then when I met Erika who was like me in the way I felt, I opened up a little and although still hidden from others, she showed me exactly what it was to enjoy being a lesbian behind the veils. After school came university and my first male lover.
I don't want to talk about him either.
What I want to get back to there is what came after my last boyfriend.
I'd had three relationships with men I had and nothing to show for it. It was time to become more honest with myself. I became a cruiser! Cruisers are the girls that frequent the lesbian bars with nothing more on their agenda than looking for a sex partner. I actually found this satisfying in a shallow way. It felt true and honest and safe to be in another girls arms and the sexual act between us was easier. The 'easier' meaning that I didn't have to confront my feelings within me in an antagonistic way. I learned that I became truly free to express myself and to actually feel good about myself. This just confirmed that this was my version of 'normal'. I took what they gave me and gave what they asked of me and once our thirst's were quenched, like mutual feeding vampires, we'd leave the paid by the hour rooms and head back to the sunlight and our little lives of seemingly ordinary conformity. Meeting Hitomi was different from all the others. For the first time in my life I felt naturally in love. No! The second time... No! The third time...

There had been a couple of girls that had been more to me than the simple vampire feeding frenzy of a single night of hot passion.
But I don't want to talk about them.
I didn't want to just feed on Hitomi. Well actually yes I did! But I wanted more, so much more. I wanted to be greedy and have her all to myself, I wanted her to know my heart, to feel my emptiness, my longing and I wanted her to fill it. I wanted to pour myself into the holes in her life. From a wonderful first few weeks where we fumbled over a forming friendship we found love together and it is during that time that the dull drab grays in my life finally began to find color.
Do you wonder why the rainbow is the symbol of gay pride?
I don't even know my self why it is the symbol and as a good researcher I could use Google to find out but it's OK, I can be honest and say I don't know. I can tell you that those colors felt warm though as I experienced them.

In my mind I felt so much at ease as if I had finally found the truth after a life long mystery. This seemed to be my first and real defining moment where I no longer had to confront the lies of my earlier life and repress any part of me. Here I was finally free within the love of a wonderful person. She was like me, she loved me, she understood me and she accepted me totally with both the light and the dark elements of my soul. Finally here came someone into my life that I could be totally honest with and rejoice with in her finding the same in me. I became a better person, more receptive, happier and more positive and I came to love myself. Loving yourself is important because if you don't love yourself how can you expect another to love you? I also became more tolerant of others who felt that they too were different and that led on to a deeper understanding of the importance of individualism and the need for diversity in our lives. It no longer mattered to me if the world was right in saying lesbian feelings are wrong. Because I felt that these feelings were right and these convictions inside of me were shared by this wonderful new person in my life. Having someone who promises to care for me and having that same someone to care for we find something amazing.
We find that our life in its excitement and its mundane moments won't pass by unnoticed. She will notice it and I become the witness of her life and this becomes another defining moment. It is the moment that we realize that we are no longer alone. It's not just a physical togetherness but it's an alignment of ideas, a rapport of our souls and an alliance of devoted and empathic companionship. This gives us strength, cause, reason and focus and with this strength, the world and its accusations, complaints and incriminations seem like a very small place indeed. I became happy, secure and content and I have found that I have a much greater depth than the shallow, insecure and unsure girl who felt the need to repress a part of her self. The freedom of being honest with myself

Oh! She wasn't as bad as I thought she was gonna be!

Inspired by a girl who had it in her eyes but no heart to admit it.
I'd like to dedicate this post to all the young guys and girls who repress and hide their own urges and feelings.
It's really OK to be "YOU!"