Nine Volter (Year 09 in review)

The year of 2009 started off with what I'd hoped to be a very good year. I think that we all reasonably or unreasonably can hope for the best in the coming New Year. But it's really a matter of how we approach it, our attitude and also how we handle what life gives to us. Ominously the first major news was that an old business partner of mine was dragged into the courts on fraud charges and just a few months before he had almost seduced me into joining with his business plan once more. I'm really glad I was reluctant and held my ground.
As the first month progressed I started to feel the pressure of my heavy work schedule and that in turn led to pressure on my relationship. It came to a head when she moved out for a week while we both found our focus. It didn't help matters that when I finally found some free time, Hitomi was off on tour again. We remained calm with promises of togetherness once she returned. When she did return we made an effort to do things together like cooking, karaoke bars and having days out and most importantly appreciating each other. The pressures of work finally rebalanced themselves after we learned about the company's new streamlining approach to the economic crisis. Things changed at work and as beings of adaptability we had to change with it or be sucked down into the swamps and mires of past failures and the washed out wrecks of brave stands against the decline and decay. This was the time I also looked within myself for change.

The spring arrived and my look within seemed as if I were sampling different facets of myself. I was looking for successful combinations to make myself a better person, to grow, to learn from past errors and to avoid the mistakes that almost split Hitomi and me apart. We even toyed with the idea of starting afresh in Osaka and to leave behind the security and life that we'd known and to set out together on an excellent adventure. After talking with my Father for ideas and advice I was soon made aware of the folly of such recklessness. We can start 'afresh' with decisions and promises and still remain within the safety of our established home and working life. I think this was a necessary step that we both had to experience because we both became better towards each other after we realized that we had both been prepared to throw it all away for the sake of a new adventure. Luckily we were mature enough to understand exactly what we could have lost and I was thankful for dad's sage advice. It was ironic in a way that shortly after that episode she was away on tour and I had my own assignment in Shimonoseki and we met up in that distant place like two old friends finding each other at the end of the world after an eternity. An adventure in itself! Was this not fate showing us that we were meant for each other? Hitomi remained working away on her promotions tour and I returned home once more feeling empty but very sure now that we had made things right between us.

I also found my philosophical side as an Internet relationship developed between myself and a beautiful young Polish girl. I became the older sister and I took a sense of pride as she learned from me and I of course learned from her. My friend Sayomi San was married and I had a wonderful day strengthening my friendships not only with her but also with a girl from school who was a childhood enemy. Kushisa, my wonderful cat of seventeen long years, snatched from the grasp of death as a kitten, passed away peacefully after a very long and loving life.
May arrived and I felt that everything was finally fitting into place. Hitomi and I had conquered our doubts and we felt more secure with each other than at any time previously and I wondered about the possibility of a break into cable Television after successfully filming a charity promotion for one of the channels. I had received some very good feedback from the sponsors and the company executive and then the shadow fell across me. I collapsed in agony and was rushed to hospital only to find the return of a growth that I'd had removed ten months before. Within the week I was in surgery once more and I believed that now was the time to make my peace and face up to the possibility that I no longer had forever and the assuredness that I'd always have tomorrow became a very strong uncertainty.
After surgery I returned home and I was on medications that seems to make my whole world surreal and I honestly didn't believe everything that my senses were telling me. I also knew that unless something else was done then my life expectancy may have been measured in months rather than decades and I started to play along with what behavior I saw from my loved ones. That of reassurance and extra attention and I believed - a hiding of the real truth from me. I am not such a naive girl and I know that they felt that they had to be positive around me to keep my own spirits high. I spent a lot of time with my dad during that time because I felt that he alone was my anchor. Finally he arranged for a mini-vacation for Hitomi and I and we went off together for some quality 'us-time' in Wakayama. My dad knew exactly what we needed that and as ever he was our provider.

The following month I went back to work eager once more to wear the dressings of routine and normalcy. So as I desired it, life did indeed take on the guise of what it was once before except that in my quiet moments I was wracked by my demons of doubt and fear. A couple of my regular and observant readers even mailed me for reassurances of their own. Thank you to those three. You know who you are and my heart was made very happy to know how much you understood from my writings and I learned how much you cared.

Hitomi had doubts whether she should go on her summer tour because she wanted to be with me. I had to make her go just to maintain our continual trying at maintaining normality. I took my own vacation time alone and went to stay with dad and the girls in Otaru. There I felt renewed and the world gained more color, more depth and more clarity that I ever remember it having. My Dad became much more human during that magical time. He held me and we laughed together and he comforted me when I cried and if oblivion would have came and settled her dark cloak over me at that very moment, there within his arms would have been my most joyous of places and I would have left with a happy smile.
It was here that I leaned of his intent for follow up procedures and which medical course of action he felt was best.

Returning to Tokyo I composed a letter of resignation knowing that I could not fulfill my future obligations to the company and that the pursuit of my health was my first goal. Time played out and the writer wrote out her hurried lines with so much to say and seemingly so little time with which to say it. Deep inside my soul, dad had made me believe in one miracle and I was committing myself to that singular goal. My resignation was accepted reluctantly and they were kind enough to offer me lesser roles so I wouldn't have to sever all ties but I couldn't accept them because I already felt the cold shadow overtaking me inside. It was only holding onto Hitomi's hand that I made it through a mini depression that followed and the onset of such strange dreams.
At work I took with relish the focus of making Riko, my young protege, the girl to wear my shoes and I ventured forth hoping to fill my days with what I thought to be a mentally less demanding role. A weekend on Shikoku soon opened my eyes and also exposed me to the harsh realities of advertising and promotions. My failure reinforced my awareness that we have to fight for things we want. The mountain has to be climbed to reach its peak, I cannot be carried there.

September rolled by quickly with my world winding down and I made time for my wonderful father, my brothers and sisters my friends and most importantly, the girl who has made my life complete, my beautiful Hitomi.
I went into hospital once more for a treatment that would make or break the path of my future. Three weeks of wondering and two weeks of pain and several days suffering the mental numbness of a heroin addict and I began to feel the warmth of future days shine on me once more.
I closed my "Jazz Journals blog" for the fresh start and because of systemic software failures and Momo's Musing was born. This was the new me, the strong me, the phoenix rising from the ashes and fortune smiled down upon me and for the first time in months, I smiled back with a genuine smile. I was given back my old job two days after it had gone and the November and December medical scans have proved without doubt that finally my year of agony, doubt and fears were over. My dad has always been my hero and this year he fought for me when several times I almost gave up.
Dad I love you so much.

Once again I have the possibility of tasting a new venture thanks to my dear friend Yoshi and I forced upon myself a rigorous diet to satisfy my own ideals about it. I reached my target weight and measurements within four weeks and still had two more weeks before my first 'shoot'!
Next year will be a better year. I have suffered at the hands of fate and with my loving fathers undying support, I believe that I have finally vanquished my foe.
I believe in the future.

HAPPY NEW YEAR ONE EVERYONE